Gooooooooooooooooooood evening..


... ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, boyish girls and girly boys, transvestites, transgendered, transsexual, and label-free people of the world!

My name is Nutty, and I'm your host for this blog entry. Strap yourself in and hang on tight, and please remember to keep your arms and legs inside the carriage at all times. Should you feel the need to stretch, fidget, scratch yourself in unmentionable places, or wave yer hands in the air (like you just don't care), kindly stick it up yours, mate. Remember no smoking is permitted during the ride. Because, you know. It kills, and all that.

Oh, before I forget, can someone tell me the difference between transsexual and transgendered? I know transvestites dress like the opposite sex, correct? I could be wrong. Could be.

But so determined was I to include all kinds of transes in my introduction, that I don't even know what they mean. A quick search on Google returned some... pretty... interesting websites. With rather graphic representations of the unmentionable places.

I guess I should have clicked on 'web search' rather than 'images'.

Aaand.. in retrospect, I should have refined my search phrase. 'TRANNY PICS XXX' isn't likely to get any... educational... information.

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I know this blog hasn't been updated much. That is partly my fault, but mostly Funky's. SHE totally forgot all about it.

Hrmm.

You know, when I get stuck for something to say, like, say, in a crowd or at a party, when one of those Strangely Uncomfortable Silences creep in and hover over everybody's head, you ever get one of those before? Well I find there is always one topic that always does the trick: Sex.

You don't even have to think of anything to say about sex, either. When everyone's looking at each other wondering who should be the first to break the silence, you step up! Take the lead! And just say, "SEX."

It works like magic, I tell you. Suddenly all these topics come up. One girl would say "Owhmuhgawd, you know what happened the other night?" and once that story is done another one would emerge and you would have done your good job of steering the conversation into the right direction.

This tactic, of course, could backfire. Especially if you're standing in a group of virgins. And ESPECIALLY if you're a virgin yourself. You say "SEX" and everyone stares at you with a blank look on their face. Like, uhuh, what about it?

And you start to sweat. Uh oh, what about sex? All you know is what you've seen on misguided Google searches... and you know the bits go into the other bits... and sometimes there are sound effects... but.. but.. oh god everyone's looking at you and they know oh god please no they know you're a virgin.

Time for the emergency line.

This, my friends, is the emergency line. When in a crowd, and the topic is "SEX" and you have no idea what to say (and it serves you right for bringing this upon yourself), say this:

"Like, how can anybody look at an erect penis, and not laugh?"

In their heads, everyone is now picturing an erect penis. And trust me, they will laugh. If they don't, well, they either don't know what an erect penis looks like and how ridiculously funny it is.. or.. they.. don't have a sense of humour.

If that's the case, you need to get out of there immediately, and get yourself some new friends.

But maybe, friends, maybe making fun of erect penises (peni?) is not your thang. After all, an erect vagina wouldn't be that funny now, would it. Uhm.. nevermind.

Well if that's the case, you can just stand around, drink in hand, and yell "SEX" every time it gets uncomfortably quiet.

If you're extremely lucky, or everyone is extremely drunk, someone will come up to you and say "Yes please."

Now if you're really, ridiculously, unbelievably lucky, that someone will turn out to be a delicious melts-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hand hottie. But I suppose it doesn't matter even if he's not (or she, hey, depending on your thang), because by now you're really ridiculously unbelievably drunk yourself anyway.