So you're a smoker.

Walking down the streets of Melbourne, it is not uncommon to bump into people who would ask you for a cigarette. Usually they are old, scruffy, homeless dude types. Sometimes they are normal people who are more than capable of buying their own damn cigarettes. And most of the time, when they ask me, I scream in my head GET YER OWWNNN DAMN CIGGIES, ya useless git, if you can smoke 'em, you can buy 'em. Can't you see I am a poor penniless stoodent, and all my duty-free ciggies are gone, and now I have to buy yoouur country's damn ciggies, with the damn warning sign taking up the whole damn box, and the wussy tobacco is like a third of what is usually there, so I have to smoke 3 just to get the same effect as 1, and you think yer petrol is expensive, yer ciggies are nothing short of EXTORTION!

Sometimes, if I'm feeling especially charitable, I'll smile and hand them a ciggy anyway.

But what I've noticed is, they're all white. Caucasian. Mat salleh, as we say.

The reason I notice this is because it never happens in Malaysia. Nobody in Malaysia stops strangers for cigarettes. Even the homeless beggars buy their own.

Why ah?

This was something I noticed when I was in Europe a couple of years ago, too. In Paris, we were looking for a cyber cafe, and an old homeless guy followed us around until I gave him a ciggy. Then we stood around and smoked and talked (with sign language and what little french I knew) until he showed us the way to the cyber cafe. Smoking in Paris was cool. Tres chic. The cafes. The culture! And the cigarettes. French cigarettes are the best, man. If you ever get the chance, try Gauloise (bleu).

Anyway. I had a point. What was the point?

Oh yes. The point is, if you want to pick up a French cutie and you see him smoking, say this:

"Une cigarette pour moi, s'il-vous plait?"

It is basic common manners that if someone asks for a cigarette in French, you have to give them one. Because if you ask in english, they will look at you with disdain and walk away. If they're french enough they might even spit on you.

So once he's given you a ciggy, it is also only polite that you two strike up a small conversation. You don't have to know very much french for this. Just say "Oui, oui" to everything he says.

Voila! You've landed yourself a french hottie! With any luck and if you're desperate enough you can even sneak to the nearest bush and boink him. Don't worry about 'rushing into things'. He's french.

Anyway.

In Melbourne the only people who stop me for cigarettes are either old, ugly, smelly, drunk, or all of the above. Are there any french hotties with delicious accents? Are there? HMMM?

No.

"Sorry mate you wouldn't have a cigarette would ya."
"Give us a cigarette, eh?"
"Have you got a cigarette?"

GARRRHH.

Worse than the fact that they are old ugly smelly and drunk, is the fact that they have absolutely no trace of a french accent AT ALL.

And do I look like I have loads of money to be sponsoring all the nicotine addicts in Melbourne? DO I??

Anyway.

Aaaanyway.

The other day when I was walking home, I was smoking and an old guy stopped me and asked for a cigarette.

I said No, thank you. And I kept walking, puffing away.

A few days later I had learnt my lesson (don't look like you have a cigarette to spare) so I didn't smoke when I was walking to school. A guy stopped me and asked for a cigarette. I wasn't even smoking.

I totally lost it.

"I DON'T SMOKE!" I said. I would've yelled at him some more but I don't lie very well and I was going to be late.

The next time I get stopped for a cigarette, this is what I'll say. Ahaa, you see, I have a plan. You can try this too and see if it works. Next time someone says "Sorry mate can I have a cigarette," you say:

"Me speeka english no."

You know what would be really mironic? [yes that is a word. it's ironic + moronic, geddit?] What would be really mironic is.. if he, the homeless dude asking for a cigarette, decides to go all Oztraylian on you and screams: "Well bloody go home, then!"