The Funky Nut

2006-05-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

Its the red button..no..no..the red one!

Y'know, sometimes I really believe our parents are fossils. I mean from one hand they are able to undertake hugely complex tasks and on the other hand they don't understand how to record a show on tv. Fossils right?

One time I was at a friend's place and I really wanted the show "Medium" to be recorded. I've already told my mum a million times you just open those cabinet doors, flick to the video channel and press the beautiful button in the shape of a red dot with the bold lettering "RECORD" on it. Simple right? WRONG.

no matter how many times I told her she still didn't know which control I Was talking about let along which button to press. And of course I couldn't remember at the top of my head what the bloody control was called, its just "that video control" you know.

"Philips?" she says
"I don't know. Its just got a record button on it. Its red and the control thing is bulky. Its grey in colour, you'll see it!"
"But they are all grey"
*shakes head on the other side of the phone.

I mean I understand that learning to record isn't the highest priority but come on, it shouldn't take so many brain cells to do it.

This time I have prepared myself. I am going to my friends house and I've written a note which clearly states:
"Mum at 8.30 just press "record" on the video controll called PHILIPS and leave the cabinet doors open. I've already set it up so your job would be easier. Just press that damn button ok? Its Medium ant 8.30. Love Ezz"

Of course I wasn't that mean on the note but I did make it easier. So if she can't do it this time I am going to name her The-fossil-from-down-under.
(still love you mum.)

2006-05-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

I am bacccccccccccck

The Funky ball is back with yet another funky/weird post (or so I hope!)
*clears throat*
I was trying to study before but couldn't because of Lady procastination and then I remembered I was long overdue to write something here.

Blame short memory I don't remember many things in my past but somehow this one seems to stick. I'll call it the 'weird mother moments.'

I remember walking back home with mum, it was probably after shopping down the street on a grey fine day. And I remember clearly that my mum's hair was black at the time. And something really weird happened. Apparently one bird was being a bit adventurous that day and decided to 'go' on my mum's head.

Of course it wasb't funny to my mum (I was laughing hysterically) because she ended up with a pool of white on top of her head.

'weird mother moments' number 2:

Do you remember the movie Lantana?
Well see our family (speaking different languages randomly) get things confused sometimes (my mum most often) and I remember we had guests over one day and my mum was trying to explain to them about the movie Lantana. Except somehow she got the word Milanta and Lantana confused because she kept referring to it more in her conversation.

For people who don't know what Milanta is its a white medicine liquid that you drink when you have heartburn. So..

"So have you heard of the movie Milanta?"
*everyone looks at my mum in confusion*
"Milanta?" One said.
me: *laugh* "Mum are you sure you didn't mean Lantana?"
*everyone laughs*
Poor mummy. How I like making fun of you. Not.

2006-05-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

So you're a smoker.

Walking down the streets of Melbourne, it is not uncommon to bump into people who would ask you for a cigarette. Usually they are old, scruffy, homeless dude types. Sometimes they are normal people who are more than capable of buying their own damn cigarettes. And most of the time, when they ask me, I scream in my head GET YER OWWNNN DAMN CIGGIES, ya useless git, if you can smoke 'em, you can buy 'em. Can't you see I am a poor penniless stoodent, and all my duty-free ciggies are gone, and now I have to buy yoouur country's damn ciggies, with the damn warning sign taking up the whole damn box, and the wussy tobacco is like a third of what is usually there, so I have to smoke 3 just to get the same effect as 1, and you think yer petrol is expensive, yer ciggies are nothing short of EXTORTION!

Sometimes, if I'm feeling especially charitable, I'll smile and hand them a ciggy anyway.

But what I've noticed is, they're all white. Caucasian. Mat salleh, as we say.

The reason I notice this is because it never happens in Malaysia. Nobody in Malaysia stops strangers for cigarettes. Even the homeless beggars buy their own.

Why ah?

This was something I noticed when I was in Europe a couple of years ago, too. In Paris, we were looking for a cyber cafe, and an old homeless guy followed us around until I gave him a ciggy. Then we stood around and smoked and talked (with sign language and what little french I knew) until he showed us the way to the cyber cafe. Smoking in Paris was cool. Tres chic. The cafes. The culture! And the cigarettes. French cigarettes are the best, man. If you ever get the chance, try Gauloise (bleu).

Anyway. I had a point. What was the point?

Oh yes. The point is, if you want to pick up a French cutie and you see him smoking, say this:

"Une cigarette pour moi, s'il-vous plait?"

It is basic common manners that if someone asks for a cigarette in French, you have to give them one. Because if you ask in english, they will look at you with disdain and walk away. If they're french enough they might even spit on you.

So once he's given you a ciggy, it is also only polite that you two strike up a small conversation. You don't have to know very much french for this. Just say "Oui, oui" to everything he says.

Voila! You've landed yourself a french hottie! With any luck and if you're desperate enough you can even sneak to the nearest bush and boink him. Don't worry about 'rushing into things'. He's french.

Anyway.

In Melbourne the only people who stop me for cigarettes are either old, ugly, smelly, drunk, or all of the above. Are there any french hotties with delicious accents? Are there? HMMM?

No.

"Sorry mate you wouldn't have a cigarette would ya."
"Give us a cigarette, eh?"
"Have you got a cigarette?"

GARRRHH.

Worse than the fact that they are old ugly smelly and drunk, is the fact that they have absolutely no trace of a french accent AT ALL.

And do I look like I have loads of money to be sponsoring all the nicotine addicts in Melbourne? DO I??

Anyway.

Aaaanyway.

The other day when I was walking home, I was smoking and an old guy stopped me and asked for a cigarette.

I said No, thank you. And I kept walking, puffing away.

A few days later I had learnt my lesson (don't look like you have a cigarette to spare) so I didn't smoke when I was walking to school. A guy stopped me and asked for a cigarette. I wasn't even smoking.

I totally lost it.

"I DON'T SMOKE!" I said. I would've yelled at him some more but I don't lie very well and I was going to be late.

The next time I get stopped for a cigarette, this is what I'll say. Ahaa, you see, I have a plan. You can try this too and see if it works. Next time someone says "Sorry mate can I have a cigarette," you say:

"Me speeka english no."

You know what would be really mironic? [yes that is a word. it's ironic + moronic, geddit?] What would be really mironic is.. if he, the homeless dude asking for a cigarette, decides to go all Oztraylian on you and screams: "Well bloody go home, then!"

2006-05-13T00:10:00.000-07:00

Gooooooooooooooooooood evening..

... ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, boyish girls and girly boys, transvestites, transgendered, transsexual, and label-free people of the world!

My name is Nutty, and I'm your host for this blog entry. Strap yourself in and hang on tight, and please remember to keep your arms and legs inside the carriage at all times. Should you feel the need to stretch, fidget, scratch yourself in unmentionable places, or wave yer hands in the air (like you just don't care), kindly stick it up yours, mate. Remember no smoking is permitted during the ride. Because, you know. It kills, and all that.

Oh, before I forget, can someone tell me the difference between transsexual and transgendered? I know transvestites dress like the opposite sex, correct? I could be wrong. Could be.

But so determined was I to include all kinds of transes in my introduction, that I don't even know what they mean. A quick search on Google returned some... pretty... interesting websites. With rather graphic representations of the unmentionable places.

I guess I should have clicked on 'web search' rather than 'images'.

Aaand.. in retrospect, I should have refined my search phrase. 'TRANNY PICS XXX' isn't likely to get any... educational... information.

-----

I know this blog hasn't been updated much. That is partly my fault, but mostly Funky's. SHE totally forgot all about it.

Hrmm.

You know, when I get stuck for something to say, like, say, in a crowd or at a party, when one of those Strangely Uncomfortable Silences creep in and hover over everybody's head, you ever get one of those before? Well I find there is always one topic that always does the trick: Sex.

You don't even have to think of anything to say about sex, either. When everyone's looking at each other wondering who should be the first to break the silence, you step up! Take the lead! And just say, "SEX."

It works like magic, I tell you. Suddenly all these topics come up. One girl would say "Owhmuhgawd, you know what happened the other night?" and once that story is done another one would emerge and you would have done your good job of steering the conversation into the right direction.

This tactic, of course, could backfire. Especially if you're standing in a group of virgins. And ESPECIALLY if you're a virgin yourself. You say "SEX" and everyone stares at you with a blank look on their face. Like, uhuh, what about it?

And you start to sweat. Uh oh, what about sex? All you know is what you've seen on misguided Google searches... and you know the bits go into the other bits... and sometimes there are sound effects... but.. but.. oh god everyone's looking at you and they know oh god please no they know you're a virgin.

Time for the emergency line.

This, my friends, is the emergency line. When in a crowd, and the topic is "SEX" and you have no idea what to say (and it serves you right for bringing this upon yourself), say this:

"Like, how can anybody look at an erect penis, and not laugh?"

In their heads, everyone is now picturing an erect penis. And trust me, they will laugh. If they don't, well, they either don't know what an erect penis looks like and how ridiculously funny it is.. or.. they.. don't have a sense of humour.

If that's the case, you need to get out of there immediately, and get yourself some new friends.

But maybe, friends, maybe making fun of erect penises (peni?) is not your thang. After all, an erect vagina wouldn't be that funny now, would it. Uhm.. nevermind.

Well if that's the case, you can just stand around, drink in hand, and yell "SEX" every time it gets uncomfortably quiet.

If you're extremely lucky, or everyone is extremely drunk, someone will come up to you and say "Yes please."

Now if you're really, ridiculously, unbelievably lucky, that someone will turn out to be a delicious melts-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hand hottie. But I suppose it doesn't matter even if he's not (or she, hey, depending on your thang), because by now you're really ridiculously unbelievably drunk yourself anyway.

2006-04-22T04:15:00.000-07:00

FunPic funnies part 1:

2006-04-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

Email funnies part 1:
1.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
2.I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
3.Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
4.When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
5.Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
6.When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
7.Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

2006-04-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

So here we are!

Hello Nutty, hello blogging world and random people.

As you gathered from our name this is a nutty place. And hopefully a funny one. So be prepared...
*opens the curtain on to Nutty*
*disppears into the unknown*

2006-04-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

testing, testing...